¿Y Entonces...?

THE DISCOURAGING: As a Health PCV, work comes and goes. Some days I’m extremely busy with work and other days, I have no idea what to do to fill up my schedule. Lately, I have been working day to day rather than planning out my week. I luckily have the Casa Materna and I try to go there twice a week to give a charla and be with the women; I also thought I could rely on my huerto project to keep me busy. However, while I was away in Masaya last month, that project fell apart. One of the doctors at the ProFamilia clinic wanted to keep the vegetables that we were growing for herself, even though from the very start we said we were growing them for the Casa Materna and if we were to sell any we would split the profits with the clinic 60/40 (they would have the 60%). Now, I don’t know the exact details of the argument, because I was gone, but she also complained that the teens who were working on the huertos were also eating some of the radishes. Granted, we had a lot of radishes planted, and the teens were doing all of the work; we say, if they want to snack on a radish, let them! They earned it! In the end, the project collapsed, because if she wanted the crops for herself, then she had to step up and take responsibility to care for the huertos as much as we were. When I got back from my Masaya trip, I was discouraged at that news. I was also discouraged that MINSA wasn’t helping support me in any projects I want to do, nor assisting me in my Casa Materna trips, especially since they are promoting it in every community they go to or any event they attend. Instead, they are expecting me to assist them in their projects, which I obligingly do because it fills my day, but I approached one of my colegas and told her that they have to at least meet me halfway sometimes.

THE HOPEFUL: With my free time lately, I have been going to the Casa Materna, and noticing that they had a pretty large patio to plant new huertos, I asked if that could be a possibility. They were all for the idea. I talked to one of my colegas from Pueblos Unidos, and after a meeting with the Casa Materna staff this past week, we are going to start breaking ground on a new huerto project benefitting the Casa Materna. We told them that we will prepare the soil and plant the seeds and all we are asking from the women (who are within their final month of pregnancy) is to water the seedbeds daily. Also at this meeting, we started discussing the possibility of creating a more sustainable stove since the one they have now produces a lot of smoke when cooking. I have recruited the Agriculture volunteer who lives in one of the Jalapeño communities, El Carbón, and she is excited to help out. I don’t know how much of a role MINSA will play in the undertaking of this new project, but if it’s solely Peace Corps (Cuerpo de Paz to the Nicas) and Pueblos Unidos, then that’s fine, too. I’m also going to start looking into funding for my idea of expanding the house to accommodate more women, comfortably, at one time.

THE LONELY: For the past week or so, I have been in a really hard-to-get-out-of funk. Maybe it’s a case of homesickness or maybe it’s a case of being a 20-something and trying to figure out life. Either way, I feel as if I have no one I can truly talk to, outside of my parents (thanks, guys, for everything you’ve done for me so far). I have some Volunteer friends who I talk to and we talk about what is going on in our lives in sites, what we miss from the states, what we’re annoyed with, etc, and even though we are all practically going through the same things, I feel as if I can’t let myself open up around them like I could do with a friend who has been in my life longer than just a few months. I want a friend who has known what I’ve been through and who I truly am, but thinking about what friendships I left back in the states, I can’t think of many people I can truly confide in.  I have been there and been that person who others can turn to in times of need and I put myself out there like that consistently, yet have not received anything like that in return. I’m the one reaching out and trying to maintain friendships while I’m the one who is also living in a different world for two years; I hardly sense that anyone is trying to reach out to me and it seems that I’m not part of their lives anymore. Out of sight, out of mind mentality. I’m not saying that I want people to put me in the center of their universes, but I’d like to be part of their lives in some manner; for people to care about me, to miss me. Two years is a long time and people grow up, change, and life happens.  I have been out of the states, away from my family, gone from what I know for 7 months and you know what? It’s hard. I wish it could be easier, but this is one of the obstacles I face of being a Peace Corps Volunteer and helping others in the world. So far, with my experience, I wouldn't trade it or take it back for anything. I look forward to the next 20 months here in Nicaragua and beyond for when I return to the states after my service, I’m just hoping they’ll be less lonely and full of new experiences to come. I know I’m the only one who can change my attitude and life around for the better; I can’t rely on anyone else for my own happiness, I have to be my own factor of change